positive thinking

i know it's been a while since i've written anything worthwhile in here, so here we go...

positivity is generally thought of as a good thing. the power of positive thinking and all that is suppose to bring dreams into reality i guess. if you believe in something enough - you can make it true. positive is good. but not always, there's one notably absence. three little letters. hiv. who'd have thought something so small could be so huge at the same time? it seems like over the past few months, i've had every cold, fluey thing and general under the weather-ness that's been doing the rounds and i suppose there's only so many times that you can be told you're immune system's fucked before you start wondering if there some truth to it. and i guess as a gay guy, who's had the safe sex message rammed down ur throat (no pun intended) since u were first sexually active, a fucked immune system equates to one thing - those three little letters. and those three little letters equate (in my head, and totally naively, of course) to a long, slow, drawn out, painful death, completely alone and devoid of sex. so, as a result of a level of paranoia worthy of an x-files double bill, i popped along to my local gum clinic last week for a hiv test. which was nice. i guess however careful you are, there's always gonna be a remote possibility of something going wrong somewhere along the line, but i suppose i was pretty certain i'd get a negative result. in fact, due to the fact i was raised on a healthy dose of denial, if i'd really thought for a moment the result would have been positive i probably wouldn't have been sat there in the first place. you can keep knowing what you're up against and being able to fight it the best way possible. ignorance, as an alternative, is truely bliss. so with the test done, there's a couple of days to stew before the results get back. within the space of 2 days i'd gone from being convinced i was negative, and stupid to have been there and even considering it for a second, to being equally convinced that the results would be positive. in fact, i'd even decided on the title of the first blog entry i'd write depending on which way things went. on the way to collect the results things seemed to be going pretty well. my new mobile was winging it's was to me in a courier van which was worth getting a little excited about, pretty much all the traffic lights on route were turning green for me, the sun was shining and parking wasn't a problem. i guess before i'd really had time to think about the options and how the scenario might really play out, i was sat there with someone holding my little folder of notes and the all important blood test results. then after a few minutes it's pretty much done. walking off out into the sunshine and heading off to work, where the only sign of where'd i'd been that morning was the little bruise where the blood'd been taken and a bit more of a bounce in my walk than usual. the alternate blog title was gonna be 'jesus fucking christ, dear god no' and the result was negative.